I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
