I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
