Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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