i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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