If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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