is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
