I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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