I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
