Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
