I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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