she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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