Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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