she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
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In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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