You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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