Don't make out with my wife yet
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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