I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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