I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
