Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
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Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
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I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.