I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
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I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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