Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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