I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
