So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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