and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
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hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
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I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt