this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"