There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
