Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
