clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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