The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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