If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
