ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Hippo gnu deer
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
