So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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