he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
