I'm really into asian looking animals
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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