The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
