He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
