Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
