Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
