i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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