yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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