He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
