so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
