Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We are all done wearing pants today
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
