You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
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I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
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it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.