Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Operation Purity has been aborted
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It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
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I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.