I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
