Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
