I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
