It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
