I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you never un-have a 4some
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
