I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
