i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
