oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
