I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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