I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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