i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
